Sunday, December 30, 2012

Mental health ...Are doctors just guessing?

Every since I can remember I have fought this thing inside of me. I always thought of it as a bear. Sometimes this bear is sweet and loving.I am always aware of his presence but when he is in this loving quite mood this is when I am the happiest.These are the times that I can live a semi normal life. Then there are days the bear demands a little of my short attention span. He needs to be petting this is where it feels like he is leaning on me. He doesnt demand all my attention but he does demand some. These days I feel pressure but I can juggle the bear and the world with a little effort on my part. Then there are  days while I am working or talking to people he is smacking me in the face constantly. Roaring in my ear to the point I almost cant hear anything or fully fuction. There have been times the bear demand that I go be alone so that he can have all my attention. I have actually lost a good job due to this last phase. This is how my anxiety feels. When I was young I could endure it. My mother and father thought it was cute that I danced beside the dinner table while I ate. When I was a kid we were just labeled "High Energy Children" Hell I didnt even know what it was back then. I thought every kid was this way, but as I grew I realized that I was very different. My main problem was I talked too much ...I could not be still. I over talked other kids which made them mad and so this threw me out of main stream kids and into the rejected sector ..... but still as a kids you endure... you cry it out and move on. School work was a nightmare for me.Most of the time I could read a page in my school book and look up and couldnt tell you one word of what I read. I could really study the night before but sometimes the noise in my head would be so loud that I couldnt remember anything I studied so that also slated where my future was headed. So my self esteem was taking a nosedive and this links into all the bad relationships I have suffered. At first people think I am super neat...loud and fast paced ... always up for the next thing .... love doing things that where a dare or dangerous ..... but then the extreme of me would wear down for them .... I was never that friend that would call you to see how you were doing always had to call me because for the most I would be so busy in my own head I couldnt even entertain anybody elses world ... thats how I lost so many friends and the ones that would stay with me were as broken a human being as I was. I lost one of my oldest friends because she finally got tired of my "time outs" when I go into what I call time out I dont talk to any one I ignore calls. I have even hid while friends knocked on my door to check on me .This also entered into boyfriends and husbands ...they all thought I was this neat little wild animal some of the guys after looking back I see they took me as a challenge something that just needed to be broken  ..tamed .... they thought they could "cage"the bear. My first husband tried his best to subdue this beast with only a divorce to show for it. I fought this through two kids .... I remember fighting off a panic attack at my daughters field day.... I suceeded because I so didnt want to embarrass my daughter and show her friends that her mother was mentally defective. I have always felt like it was always 0 or 100 with me ....I would be complete "on" or I taught myself how to just shut her for a large part of my kids growning up I was never that involved mother because I was always in fear that the monster in me might poke its head out and cause my children problems at school. So I worked as much as I could using that excuse to keep me out of school functions ....every once in a great while I would have to go in and pretend to have it all togeather and for the most I would suceed was exhasting ... it always felt as though I was holding the full weight of that bear back. Work that is the one place that the bear worked for me and not agaisnt me. I had so much energy.... so much drive everything for me was a challenge ...a race .... a compotistion. I was always compeating with people even if they were not aware of it. I would work harder .... I would work more hours than anyone else ... I would take on way more respondsiblity that I should but it always made me a valued employee. Somehow I used to always sleep well and up to about 2 years ago that was my one saving grace was I could sleep at the drop of a hat. I have gone to my doctor for help .... he has ran me through many different anti depression meds ...Zoloft ....Prozac.....Paxal .... It feels as though it doesnt subdue the bear .... but it destracts him a little but never enough to make it worth the side effects of the drugs ... I was just took off anoughter shot at Zoloft because I was breaking out in hives that were making me itch myself til I bled . I talked to my doctor about maybe this being Adult attention disorder but he dismissed it ...sometimes I think its because so many people who dont have the problem want the drug because its effect on them is like crack so all theses people end up pretending to have Adult attention disorder to get the meds and then it makes it impossible for people like me who might actually have it get treated for it ...or even checked. Now here I amin my mid 40's and I dont have the phyiscal energy to keep up witht the bear and this is making the anxiety so much worse.What a mad mad world we live in.So as for now my bear still roams free .... not that I ever wanted him caged but I would like a life where both of us could live in peace.