Sunday, March 13, 2011


How do you begin a story? A story that is so important for any mother who wants to give up her child. Maybe it’s the right thing for you to do? I don’t know but all I do know is the other side . We have all heard the mothers side what was the best for the childor that they forced her into it. But this blog post is the other side of the coin. This is the story of a grown woman looking back at the years of mistakes that all hinged on feeling unwanted, unloved and discarded by the most important person in her life . What I couldn't get was ...what was so bad that my own mother didn't want me. My entire life has been haunted by that question. even knowing that it was the factor that made me invite so much bad into my life and never understand why.

Until now

I am not going to do the my name is thing because I know there are more stories out there untold and unnamed. But when I was 9 months old I was given up from my mother to her uncle by marriage sister and her husband and if you can grasp the dynamics of that a blessing has already been prayed for you. My adoption or whatever you want to call it was odd at the very least.It was 1967 and my real bio mom had 4 kids . This included My oldest brother Bobby my middle brother Kenneth and my youngest brother Tim and then there was the baby girl. (I was cute I seen pictures).

Sometime that year my real mom was dropping me off while she worked. Now when I say she dropped me off I mean for a week or two at a time.

Then one day she came to pick me up and and my great aunt Nettie (Mom) Jokingly stated that as much as I stayed there ..that Gladsy should just give me to Nettie. Nothing got said on that day but the next time she brought me to Nettie she brought all my clothes and toys and GAVE me to her. Nettie was confused but thrilled because my uncle Dee(Dad) and Nettie couldn't have kids and thought it a Gods blessing that I came into there lives. But no matter how you colored it folks its still tainted with the fact that she just walked away from me.

But anyway that’s my story how in one swift moment not old enough to even realize how my life was changed forever. Nettie and Dee where in there mid 40’s and 50’s when I was dropped into their lives. I know they never even dreamed this late in the game that they would be raising a little girl. But these great people stepped up and did the greatest job in the world they loved me. I grew up knowing them both none other than mom and dad because that's what they were. I remember mom telling me that when I was little that if anyone got loud for any reason I would freak out and that we went on a trip to West Virgina and that she had just started potty me and that every time she would check me to see if I was wet I would freak out my mom firmly believed that during those first 9 months I had been around a lot of fighting and that maybe even abused. But this is the moment that I am a blessed child for being given up, God only knows what would have happened to me if my mother had kept me. Growing up with Nettie and Dee was like something made up in a book. I lived on a 99 acre farm in Middle Tennessee. My dad ran a pig farm and my mom was a stay at home mother. I remember having every animal imaginable and helping my parents feed animals, help tend a garden every year and following my father like a little puppy. It wasnt totally perfect but it was so damn close it was scary. As I look back on things now I saw that everything I did hinged on a "not good enough" feeling.....everything ... I let teacher treat me horrible and wouldnt tell my parents because I felt it was my fault. I took abuse from friends because the minute I told them the story of how I was adopted the temp in the room changed and I became the freak that everyone made fun of. I even remember a rumor that went around that my real mother was a hooker. I didnt even know what a hooker was in the 4th grade. This set the tone for 4 years of abuse at the hands of some "christian" children. I finally reached highschool..... boys suddenly became a very important subject..... but I stayed to myself but I wasnt horrible looking and I got attention from boys all the same but it wasnt the right kind of attention. I had a few boyfriends but due to the fact I didnt feel my own self worth they didnt either so they would cheat on me ...or just leave me. This is when I met my bestfriends brother. His name was Jimmy and even though at 16 years of age he didnt know it .... he was a control freak and an abuser...but he arrived saying all the right words and I was just swept away....I fell in love (remember I said that "I" fell in love) I thought that all was perfect that finally someone loved me for me and we would start a family and it would be my own and I could just put the nightmare of my mother giving me up far far behind me. I had just wrangled me a new nightmare because for the next 12 years I was abused .... mentally abused and he was always telling me that he was going to run away with our 2 year old daughter if I ever did anything that remotely looked like I was going to leave him. The life that I lead with that man actually killed some of my soul ...yes I really believe that . I finally left him after one night of him kidnapping me and beating me. He almost bit ...yes I said bit my nose off my face and I asked why and he told me he figured that if he did it then no one else would ever want me. that if he couldnt have me then no one else would. it took another 4 years of him stalking and sitting out side my new home with a gun...taping my phone calls...before I finally met and married my second husband Robert and he finally went away...... these timelines with the abusive husbands shouldnt have took so long but I had no self esteem ... my whole life revolved around the fact that every day I heard this little child like voice inside me that was always saying..... wow you own mother didnt want you what would make you think that anyone else would...better stay with him...there wont be another you want to live alone for the rest of your life and what if he takes Heather and runs....what would you have then..... by this time Jimmy had run all my friends and family away and he and heather were all that I had. Still i realized that not only my exhusband...but bosses, friends, I alway and sometimes still do look down like I am not worth being in peoples way....even though I loved Nettie and Dee with all that I am ... I always felt as though I was a burden on them. I still feel that way today that I am a burden on anyone that is around me. I know that at some point I will have to sit down with someone that can help me deal with all this .... but Ladies you do need to know that instead of taking the easy road..... abortion or adoption you are so important in that little babys life....and if you tell yourself that you are doing the best for the baby your wrong you are doing what is best for you and trying to bullshit yourself into living with the mistake that you created.