BEFORE YOU GIVE ME UP

How do you begin a story? A story that is so important for any mother who wants to give up her child. Maybe it’s the right thing for you to do? I don’t know but all I do know is the other side . We have all heard the mothers side what was the best for the child…or that they forced her into it. But this blog post is the other side of the coin. This is the story of a grown woman looking back at the years of mistakes that all hinged on feeling unwanted, unloved and discarded by the most important person in her life . What I couldn't get was ...what was so bad that my own mother didn't want me. My entire life has been haunted by that question. even knowing that it was the factor that made me invite so much bad into my life and never understand why.

Until now

I am not going to do the my name is thing …because I know there are more stories out there untold and unnamed. But when I was 9 months old I was given up from my mother to her uncle by marriage sister and her husband and if you can grasp the dynamics of that a blessing has already been prayed for you. My adoption or whatever you want to call it was odd at the very least.It was 1967 and my real bio mom had 4 kids . This included My oldest brother Bobby my middle brother Kenneth and my youngest brother Tim and then there was the baby girl. (I was cute I seen pictures).

Sometime that year my real mom was dropping me off while she worked. Now when I say she dropped me off I mean for a week or two at a time.

Then one day she came to pick me up and and my great aunt Nettie (Mom) Jokingly stated that as much as I stayed there ..that Gladsy should just give me to Nettie. Nothing got said on that day but the next time she brought me to Nettie she brought all my clothes and toys and GAVE me to her. Nettie was confused but thrilled because my uncle Dee(Dad) and Nettie couldn't have kids and thought it a Gods blessing that I came into there lives. But no matter how you colored it folks its still tainted with the fact that she just walked away from me.

But anyway that’s my story how in one swift moment not old enough to even realize how my life was changed forever. Nettie and Dee where in there mid 40’s and 50’s when I was dropped into their lives. I know they never even dreamed this late in the game that they would be raising a little girl. But these great people stepped up and did the greatest job in the world they loved me. I grew up knowing them both none other than mom and dad because that's what they were. I remember mom telling me that when I was little that if anyone got loud for any reason I would freak out and that we went on a trip to West Virgina and that she had just started potty me and that every time she would check me to see if I was wet I would freak out my mom firmly believed that during those first 9 months I had been around a lot of fighting and that maybe even abused. But this is the moment that I am a blessed child for being given up, God only knows what would have happened to me if my mother had kept me. Growing up with Nettie and Dee was like something made up in a book. I lived on a 99 acre farm in Middle Tennessee. My dad ran a pig farm and my mom was a stay at home mother. I remember having every animal imaginable and helping my parents feed animals, help tend a garden every year and following my father like a little puppy. It wasnt totally perfect but it was so damn close it was scary. As I look back on things now I saw that everything I did hinged on a "not good enough" feeling.....everything ... I let teacher treat me horrible and wouldnt tell my parents because I felt it was my fault. I took abuse from friends because the minute I told them the story of how I was adopted the temp in the room changed and I became the freak that everyone made fun of. I even remember a rumor that went around that my real mother was a hooker. I didnt even know what a hooker was in the 4th grade. This set the tone for 4 years of abuse at the hands of some "christian" children. I finally reached highschool..... boys suddenly became a very important subject..... but I stayed to myself but I wasnt horrible looking and I got attention from boys all the same but it wasnt the right kind of attention. I had a few boyfriends but due to the fact I didnt feel my own self worth they didnt either so they would cheat on me ...or just leave me. This is when I met my bestfriends brother. His name was Jimmy and even though at 16 years of age he didnt know it .... he was a control freak and an abuser...but he arrived saying all the right words and I was just swept away....I fell in love (remember I said that "I" fell in love) I thought that all was perfect that finally someone loved me for me and we would start a family and it would be my own and I could just put the nightmare of my mother giving me up far far behind me. I had just wrangled me a new nightmare because for the next 12 years I was abused .... mentally abused and he was always telling me that he was going to run away with our 2 year old daughter if I ever did anything that remotely looked like I was going to leave him. The life that I lead with that man actually killed some of my soul ...yes I really believe that . I finally left him after one night of him kidnapping me and beating me. He almost bit ...yes I said bit my nose off my face and I asked why and he told me he figured that if he did it then no one else would ever want me. that if he couldnt have me then no one else would. it took another 4 years of him stalking and sitting out side my new home with a gun...taping my phone calls...before I finally met and married my second husband Robert and he finally went away...... these timelines with the abusive husbands shouldnt have took so long but I had no self esteem ... my whole life revolved around the fact that every day I heard this little child like voice inside me that was always saying..... wow you own mother didnt want you what would make you think that anyone else would...better stay with him...there wont be another ...do you want to live alone for the rest of your life and what if he takes Heather and runs....what would you have then..... by this time Jimmy had run all my friends and family away and he and heather were all that I had. Still i realized that not only my exhusband...but bosses, friends, I alway and sometimes still do look down like I am not worth being in peoples way....even though I loved Nettie and Dee with all that I am ... I always felt as though I was a burden on them. I still feel that way today that I am a burden on anyone that is around me. I know that at some point I will have to sit down with someone that can help me deal with all this .... but Ladies you do need to know that instead of taking the easy road..... abortion or adoption you are so important in that little babys life....and if you tell yourself that you are doing the best for the baby your wrong you are doing what is best for you and trying to bullshit yourself into living with the mistake that you created.

The Wreck

This is my story that my family has always referred to it as "the wreck". The night that changed everything . I tired to just put this behind me. I cant let go of the feeling that someone needs to read this and learn from my nightmare.



so here goes



The night my life took a dramatic left turn ....didn't seem any different than any other. No one felt something strange or had a dream. There was no prewarning of any kind ....no weird feelings. I had a friend of mine come in from Arkansas . We had thrown a party for her on the 14th. I wanted all her friends to come to my house so that she wouldn't have to run herself to death making separate visits. I did another party on the 15th because the night before I had to leave in the middle of the party to go to work... I worked 3rd shift ... so I threw the second party pretty much so I could spend some time with her myself. I got about 3 people to show .... about 8:30 my daughter Heather reminded me that I needed to head up to the store for some cigarette's and soda ... I keep putting her off and finally I told her to come on and lets get it done before she drove me nuts and about that time Taylor my 10 year old came running out screaming shotgun .... most of the time I let Taylor ride shotgun because with his sister being 10 years older than him it made him feel like a big boy. This night I told him no. If he was coming he would have to ride in the backseat and he darted in the backseat without another word. I told the girls to hold the fort down and we would be right back..... well I would love to tell you something about that 6 minute ride that leads us up to the little gas station where this thing takes place but there is only a faint memory of Taylor and Heather picking at one another, there was some laughter and I remember seeing the store right before the traffic light and that was all I remember. We went to go through the green light. Heather was driving. I was on the passenger side. Taylor right behind me. We were T-boned by a Nissan Frontier. A man named Johnathan Finley had hit us doing about 60 miles an hour. He had just left Nissan Motor Manufacturing where he worked 3rd shift. He went to ask for the night off and got it (Later ask me why he asked for the night off). After he hit us a gentleman said that Mr. Finley drove away from the wreck to the gas station that we were headed to he said that he ran up to Mr. Finely to see if he was o.k. and Mr. finely told him that " You didn't see a f**king thing" and went to drive off from the scene. At that very moment a cop that was pulling in to check on the store was probably the only thing that kept him driving off and leaving the scene. He hit us on my side it knocked all three of us out .... By the time Heather came to the EMT where already there trying to figure out what they were going to do with us. Heather said that she at first thought that there were diamonds falling out of her hair when she first opened her eyes ....its wasn't diamonds .. it was glass she said that she looked over and both me and Taylor were covered in blood and knocked out. Heather said that she thought at first that she had done something and it had killed her mother and her brother. later someone told her that it was a drunk driver that had caused all this mess. Heather walked around in a daze with just one flip flop on watching them work on her brother and I. They finally got me together and life flighted me to Vanderbilt Medical Center in Nashville Tennessee. Its like a 25 minute drive from my house to this hospital but apparently I needed to get there a little faster. They took Taylor to a hospital in Murfreesboro about 7-8 miles from the wreck and after they examined him they were afraid he had brain damage so they life flighted him to Vanderbilt .. no brain damage ...but he ended up with 8 staples in his right arm lots of bruising Taylor stayed in the hospital for 5 days. Heather ended up with a sprained ankle and cuts and bruising so after day 5 Taylor went home with his sister. Heather took care of Taylor ...while Robert my husband and my father-in-law Dan stayed at the hospital with me. I wasn't as lucky as my two kids .... I thank the Lord that I didn't give Taylor shotgun because I don't think my sons 10 year old little body would have faired as well if he had sat in that front seat. I don't know how well I faired ... I was rushed into emergency surgery. I had internal bleeding, It had broke my collar bone and my pelvis bone and they had to remove my spleen. They placed me in a drug induced coma (If you wanna hear about the coma dream check look up Coma dream on my blog) They couldn't get me to come out of my coma and that was a concern for a while so they put a trac in my throat because that tube that goes down your throat that you see in the movies is supposed to be a very temporary thing when it goes on for more than 3 days they swap to a trac yeah I was in really bad shape. . now for the 8 days the doctors were presented with a entirely new problem. My stomach incision wouldn't stay closed they tried 3 times to close me and it would just pop back due to all the swelling I had going on. Well finally day 11 I came out of the coma ..... I remember not having any idea what was going one but that whatever it was it hurt like nothing I had ever felt before. Robert informed me that first the kids were o.k. that they had gotten pretty good banged up but were both at home. He told me that it was a drunk driver that had hit us ... there were moments at the beginning that I thought that this was still part of the dream i was dreaming in the coma... but my body day by day insisted that it was anything but a dream. I couldnt talk because of the trac and it was taking a little while for my brian to remember basic writing skills. They then packed me up and sent me to a recovery hospital for a month .... Well now that I had joined the party it was time to do something about my open wound .....

Now let me introduce you to the awesome quicker fixer-upper its called the "Wound Vac" Best way that I can explain the wonderful piece of medical hardware is they for some reason you cant close a wound and its rather large then they take this industrial saran wrap and you place it over the wound all around the edges of this plastic is this super sticky stuff that seals it to your surrounding skin ...now there is a tube that going into it and the other end goes into this machine that I swear sometimes sounded like an iron lung ...but it keeps the wound clean and it would help speed up healing and gave the doctors time to figure their next move which ended up giving me the time for the swelling to go down. So they sent me home. I weighted in at 103 pounds wet. My walking was that of a crippled 90 year old. I slept in our recliner because laying down completely flat was a non happening thing. Heather was taught to clean and change my wound vac ... never thought that I would have to ask my daughter to do that for me. The home health nurse would come twice a week and make sure that Heather was doing her job properly. I had to head back to Vanderbuilt to do a skin graph to cover my still swollen tummy to finally lose that wound vac ... and the graph would be a temp fix while still waiting on the swelling to finally go all the way down ...I remember coming to in the recovery room and the nurse putting something in my I.V. as I laid there I was in the same room with a woman that had just had a kidney transplant I think... and all I could do was to thank the Lord that my problems weren't that bad and I remember praying for her. They put me into another room healing time again...this time Heather babysat her dear old mom .... Finally they sent me home. I had a fever that they could figure out what it was or what was causing it ..... but I didn't care they were sending me home at this point. I was so sick of doctors and the smell of a hospital was becoming almost as familiar as home. How horrible is that. So I figured I would just keep taking my super amped antibiotics and I would be fine. I remember thinking I finally had made it through it all that I was home with my family in my house sleeping in my recliner .....after about 5 days the fever just wasn't going away. I tried to just pretend that it didn't exist...I would paint my nails and play on the computer and pray that it would go away .... but one afternoon around 5:30 I felt a pain in my tummy and something wet running down my belly and I asked Robert to come look at it ...he didn't have to say a word but the word was that he was going to call an ambulance that my wound had busted open. I called Heather and gave her the news we were headed back to the hospital. Finally in the ER they told me that the fever was a sign of an infection in one of my staples and they were going to admit me into the hospital again til they got it under control. They might as well have told me that they were sending me to a firing squad ..... I felt defeated that I didn't have "Just one more time" in me .... so they were pumping me full of some 1000.00 a pop antibiotics and Heather would walk me down and around the halls for my exercise ....one day I went to walk out of my room for my daily stroll and there was a sign on my door that stated that anyone that entered my room had to have gown and gloves and a mask ....this was my intro to the fact that I had caught I staff infection!! WhoooHaaaa!! Help me Lord .... I remember that this was the time that they took my drainage tubes out. Finally I got over the infection and the staff infection and got to head home..... I was finally starting to get back on my feet....my daughter knew that there was no point in asking me to do normal exercise so she got me where I lived. she would take me shopping everyday...not that we would buy anything, but she counted on me getting distracted looking at stuff and I would walk for hours on hours and this is how I got back in shape... i know I would come home hurting soooo bad and I would talk a happy pill sleep all night and go do it all over again the next day. Well here it is almost 5 years later.... for the last year I have been babysitting my lil nephew Frederick for my sister-in-law. I tried to go back to work at Pillsbury but their policy was that they couldn't rehire me after something like that. I guess insurance cost and all. I pray for Mr. Fineley all the time ... I hope that whatever this is that he had learned something for it ..... I want companies to come up with some kind of guidelines for employees that come into work under the influence. That there is a standard to go by to deal with them . Either sitting them down til they sober up or a cab or even calling the police on them. My lawyer was wanting so badly to name Nissan in our law suit..they never even bothered to return calls from my lawyer. I knew that big businesses can keep you in court up to 10 year before it would ever even bother them...but a "I'm sorry we dropped the ball" would have been great. I don't know what I need to do but my hope is to get people interested in righting up guidelines to follow in case you have a visible intoxicated employee. I get aggravated at Mr. Finley because drinking and driving is a selfish act. I am more aggravated at the sober people that were around him that night and did nothing. To me that was worse. Please be involved when you see a drunk person about to get in a car ...either stop them ...if that isn't an option then call the law tell them that you just say a man (or woman) getting in a car________ headed_______and the licence plate number is ______. The reason that things like this happen to us is because Mr. Fineley's boss that night and probably several of his co-workers knew he was drunk and told themselves that it wasn't their business (he sat through a 10 minute _________ meeting before asking for the night off) They let that man walk out get into his truck and drive 4 minutes down the road and almost killed me and my kids ....... I had a boss back in the day and one of our guys came in drunk as could be he smelled of whiskey ...he wanted the night off ...my boss told him that he could leave after he finished some paperwork ...she handed he 3 hours worth of work just long enough for him to sober up before she let him leave (She took action) 6 years ago I had an accident. A girl came off the interstate ramp and ran right in front of me she had 2 kids both under the age of 2 in the back seat and she was high on prescription medication after our cars came to a stop I got out to check on her and she sped off didn't want to get busted when the cops came... I followed her for many miles her with a bust back tire running on a rim....yeah I could have stayed there til the police came but then they would have never caught her and got her help and maybe the next time the kids and her might not be as lucky ......I help the police find her and get her the help she needed ( I took action) Please the next time you see a drunk driver please step up , do the right thing and be the hero.

Parent ...Be Parents

Jan. 29th 2010

　

Subject today is going to be .....Parents who lack the tools to be effective parents..this comes to my mind because yesterday we were blessed with 2 inches of snow and around our part of the world we don't get snow much anymore so the schools close as fast as you can say boo. Well my son went in and out of the house playing in the snow, He got bored to the point he asked me to go play with him, Well either old bones or something I just couldn't take the cold like I used to and had to come in, I told him at that point that a couple of houses down was one of my sons friend and that he should go down there and get him to come play in the snow with at our house and that I would make hot chocolate my sons eyes lit up like I told him something wonderful that he had not even entertained yet...so he pulled on his jacket and hat and off he trudged in the snow to get his friend for a fun filled day of snow ....This boys father told my son that he was sorry but his son (12 years old) was spending the day with his girlfriend, o.k. ....now I have know this little boy for 7 years and I know the little girl that he claims for a girlfriend and I also know that both of her parent were at work that day....really people? Did your parents teach you nothing at all. This is were I am at a lost when these parent spout off that they had no idea how there daughters got pregnant .....Its blows my mind that I have seen 9 and 10 year old with claimed boyfriends or girlfriends....we have pushed so hard for them to be little mini adults so that we can go live our lives

and with what they see on T.V. they think that at 11 year old they are ready for sex .....PARENTS hear me even if you don't want to ...if you are not going to play the role as the parent, either don't have them or give them to childless couples that are reaching into other countries for babies. The T,V. is not the parent ...the Internet is not the parent ...YOU ARE THE PARENT! Kids are not emotional ready to be exposed to all the garbage on the Internet and T.V. Yes this means that you ..the parent will have to actually watch and discipline your child.....Maybe even spend some actual time with this little being you brought into the world but see most people don't fathom the role you took as a parent, alot of you were so wrapped up the the cute part of this being that when they got to be where they weren't as cute and actually needed you to step up as a parent....you failed them... you were poor or rich I have seen both sides just check out of the parenting role and hand it over to electronics or an older sibling that knows even less than the parents or if that child was lucky enough to have a loving aunt or grandmother ,,,but the actual parents just leave...look there isn't anything wrong with being afraid that you are going to fail this young person you are many many time but its the time you get it right that they will always remember ....but there is some wrong with being a selfish human that would much rather go get her nails done or go have beers with the boys rather than spend time with someone that needs you far worse and in the end the relationship will be a blessing to you both...The other day I was watching T.V. and they said that we were having an epic rise in teen pregnancy ....really? .....could it be because you are not keeping your young girls and boys close enough to you that you just don't know what they are doing? I think that most kids are being left at home at way too young of an age sometime just to save money on a babysitter....

Then there is the cell phone issue I see kids as young as 7 and 8 year olds with cell phones and I have noticed that parents have took this device and assured themselves that if that child has a cell phone that they are safe no matter where they go....Really people? It would take a child molester two seconds to talk that kid out of that cell phone ...but its one of the safety blinders that parents put up on themselves so they don't have to parent....I don't think that cell phones are bad...I do think it wrong to let your 8 year old daughter run all over the neighborhood with one while you sit at a friends house blindly thinking that the money you forked out for that phone for little Suzy is going to keep her safe from harm while you hang out with friends...

.

Just because they are old enough to make grilled cheese does not make them old enough to be by themselves. I think that the world has demanded that people work way too many hours that they wont sacrifice their gym membership or their weekly massage. They let their own kids pay the price and when the child end up doing something wrong or pregnancy at 14 these parents have had their head in the sand so long that they are like "What?" .... Really parents deep down I know you aren't that ignorant of this ...you are just selfish....and that can be changed ....but only by you that childs parent

　

I think its time to back up and do damage control....

number one is ...you don't have to be a parent...no matter what parents or friends with kids pressure you to do ...there is no rule that states you have to bear children.

number two ...if you are already a parent and you feel that fight or flight emotion there is shame with getting help from professionals or even the people who have walked that road before.

number three if you are just a selfish person ...then it really is time to see a professional ... because you are only damaging yourself and you child

number four admit that you are human just like everyone else

number five consider that giving up some of your activities might be the way to go ...that child is only yours for MAYBE 20 years (If you are really lucky) ....chances are you are going to outlive the stay so have your fun after they move out ...its a small price to pay.

Black Friday FlashBacks

Black Friday ..... for most people there is an air of tradition ..you know the getting up early or not going to bed at all ... all the sales papers sprayed out over then kitchen table. A paper with the hopefully mapped out morning of two or three different stores you want to hit and then breakfast. The standing in line talking to people you don't know about the deals and the dangers of cutting line....

　

and then there is my view,

　

I am sure that mine in not in the majority of views on the marvelous blessed day....here goes my one and only Tale of "THE BLACK FRIDAY OF DEATH".

Number #1 they wake me at 2:30 so that we can get dressed so that

Number #2 we can go stand in line for 2 solid hours in some butt freaking cold ass weather.


Now you need to realize this before all else. I am pissed that you woke me after only 4 and a half hours sleep ... now I am freezing and in line with people that I don't know. These people seem to be overly perky and all I can do at this point is glare at them. I spend the next two hours listening to my friend tell everybody 10 up the line and 10 behind us that I am not a morning person..... then there are cops ... yes real cops on horses clopping up and down the line making sure that a fight doesn't break out over cutting line...(OVER CUTTING LINE)

　

This real weird fever goes down the line when they see 3 or 4 target workers start walking around the front doors..... then after what seems like a forever time of teasing us they open the doors. They never make eye contact they just open and run..... that's when I noticed that they have the buggy's in two rows. They also have a row of orange cones in the middle like its some kind of line ... at first I start walking at a normal pace and I notice that the people in front of me start to 'fast pace walk. Then it slowly turns into a trot and before I know it they are running so start this slow run too because if I didn't I feared being trampled to death by those soccer moms hopped up on Ritalin with those too wide eyes and hands placed lightly on my back silently telling me that if I don't pick up the pace the herd was going to leave me behind ... so for survival sake I begin a slow run.... praying not to trip over any cone or piss anyone off. I get to the end of this track and see all these women running and snatching thing like their lives depended on what goods they came away with..... that's when I knew it ...

　

I hate Black Friday,

　

I hate it with my soul ..... it seemed like everything that was wrong with our society .... was wrapped up right here in a really big neat bow ..... that cost more than it should, but a price that these women were willing to pay just to be part of something ...because believe you me it isn't the "deals" as they called them ..... I think I bought a portable DVD player that morning and there it was for the same price a week later.... So when someone says BLACK FRIDAY to me with them crazy eyes... I tell them to ...

　

COUNT ME OUT!!

　

There isn't anything I could imagine that would make me want to rub elbows with the straight jacket needing group that shows up for these things.... now like I say its not for me and this is my view on this great tradition, so if you have hate .... send it to someone who will appreciate it .... I will not ...in fact I don't bother reading those posts ...its just bad ju-ju ..... Happy Holidays!!

Halloween and what it means to me!!

Getting ready for halloween ..... well its my crack ... I love the fall air and the leaves and the pumpkins and well I just could go on and on and on and on ...because I love Halloween better than any other holiday and I will tell you why ... its a time were everyone can let their hair down and be whatever they want to be without anyone having a stroke its time to get out and say hey to your neighbors why extorting treats at the same time .... it fun with a dash of mischeif how could you not love it. This year we are holding our 3rd annual pumpkin carving/ costume party. Its going to be a Zombie theme to it. I will be the Zombie lunch lady and so far we have a grave digger, necromancer, bride and groom a sheriff and about 5 zombie hunting men (who by the way just want to walk around in a long trench coat and carry guns.) I have the front yard decked out as a graveyard and my entire front of my house is incased in black spiderwebbing. There are spiders everywhere. So all you true ghouls and goblins thrown on your costumes and grab a kroger sack and you are more than welcome at my house on Halloween ...now beware of the zombies because they are EVERYWHERE!!!!

This was titled "Is Gay ...o.k.? Well I had to respond.

I am an fan of a blog called "Scary Mommy" .... Her name is Jill which I thought was totally cool (The Jill Club) anyway she hosted a guest blogger "Who put me in charge of these people" and The blog was about the fact that how we raise our kids may be totally different from other peoples way of raising their kids but how that can be o.k. it went into a gay topic and ...well below you can read it and read my response .... my response was due to the fact that I have a gay daughter and how having walked that road changed my outlook, you can assume how you would react if it happened to you but do you really know for sure???

Gretchen, a.k.a. Texan Mama, spends her days finding rogue singleton socks and tending to the dozen feet that wear those socks. She resides in the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex with her husband, 5 children, and one dog (who doesn’t wear socks). In her spare time, she blogs at
Who Put Me In Charge Of These People.I’m a parent. I’m doing the best I can to raise my children with the belief system I have in place. I am using the tools I have to make the best judgments I know.
Here’s the catch: my best judgments may not be in agreement with other people’s best judgments. And, that’s okay. I’m okay knowing that sometimes the way we raise our children doesn’t gel with other families. I can deal with that.
For example, we don’t have cable TV. That’s just our feeling. We believe that cable TV is riddled with inappropriate programs as well as advertisements that promote materialism. Does that mean we don’t let our kids watch cable TV at other people’s houses? No. It’s just not the right fit for our family. They know what cable TV is and they know why we disapprove of it. I think it’s okay for them to have exposure to it occasionally, but I don’t want it to become a part of our everyday life.
Another example would be our religious beliefs. We are conservative Christians. I’m not even going to put our religious beliefs on the same plane as cable TV, because our religion is much much more significant than TV. The two aren’t even close. I’m sure you feel the same way about your faith, whether it be religion or spirituality or even the conscious decision about having no religion at all. It is at your core. Or, it should be, whatever you practice. But the point is, our religious beliefs guide our family decisions and our world view. I don’t expect our world view to be the same as other families’, but I know that it’s a good fit for us.
As I raise my children, I want to surround them with people who are like-minded with us. I want to provide my children with positive role models who practice and support our value system. I think that’s normal, right? On the one hand, some might call it sheltering my child from the real world. They might say that my children need to know what’s out there and need to experience it. True. But I, on the other hand, feel that there is a time and a place for kids to experience the world. I feel like it’s my job to determine when that time should be. I don’t want my kids to see PG-13 movies before they’re 13. I don’t want my kids getting cell phones until they are at least 16. These are decisions I’m comfortable with. And, just because someone else decides differently for their family, doesn’t mean I think they’re wrong. They, and me, and you, have to make decisions that fit for our own unique family dynamic. No one knows the ins and outs of our families better than the people directly involved.
I started writing this post as an afterthought to one I posted a few weeks ago, then took down. The post was asking readers to discuss the fact that my son’s 4th grade teacher is an open lesbian. Immediately commenters responded with what’s the problem? and why is it a big deal? and one even said, contrary to popular belief, they are not child molesters. That comment really hurt, because I never said one negative thing to instigate such a comment. I replied that the reason I was concerned came from a fear that the issue of her sexuality, if discussed openly, would pull the focus of the class away from education and place it somewhere else. Where? I don’t know, but I am pretty sure that place would not be part of the 4th grade science curriculum. I was concerned that it would cause divisiveness with parents, and that it would cause discussions in school that aren’t appropriate for a 4th grade school setting. All of that? 100% true.
But beyond that, I will be honest, because I can. I would prefer my son’s teacher be someone who shared my belief system. I would prefer she be a heterosexual. If I had my choice, I’d prefer she be a Christian heterosexual. NOT because I am afraid of gay people (I’m not). NOT because I hate gay people (I don’t). I just want my child to be surrounded by adults who support and practice our family’s value system. Is that so strange?
On the flip side of that, if you were a parent who raised a child to believe that there is no God, and your child’s teacher were a devout Christian, would you automatically hate her just because your belief systems are different? No. Neither do I hate my son’s teacher. Would you be concerned that her belief system, one that guides her own daily thoughts and decisions, might consciously or subconsciously slant her teaching and her daily interactions with children, especially your child? I do. I worry about it. I worry about anytime my children have contact with people outside of our family. I don’t want to shield my children from everyone whose value systems are different than my own. I don’t want them to become adults who are sheltered and naive. Who would want that for their children? But I just wonder if only conservative Christians get accused of sheltering their children. I wonder if people who reject organized religion are also being told that their children will grow up to be sheltered and naive? I mean, aren’t they keeping their children from the world too?
I fully understand that I don’t have the luxury of always choosing who my child is exposed to. I also get that when I choose to send my child to public school, I’m choosing for him to be exposed to people whose value system may clash with our own. This post is not about what I’m going to DO about who my child is exposed to; it’s about how I FEEL about the people my child is exposed to. It’s also my inner monologue, bubbling out onto the blog page.
I feel that it’s reasonable to expect my child’s teacher to keep her personal life and professional life separate. The situation just gets a little sticky when Mrs. Jones, the history teacher, can say that she went to the museum of natural history with her husband, but Ms. Taylor has to use the term "friend" instead of referring to her partner as "wife" or "partner". Is this fair? Maybe not. And I’m not a legal expert so I can’t say where the line is, where a teacher’s personal rights supercede the appropriateness of classroom verbiage.
I guess my point is this: there are a lot of people I don’t want to play as a role-model for my child, and I feel it’s my duty as a parent to find the best role-models for my child. It’s my job to help shape my child into the person I think he or she should be. That is the core of parenting: guiding our children to become productive members of society. I realize that my influence will only go so far and at some point in the very near future, my children will have opinions of their own and will probably reject everything I’ve ever taught them. That’s part of adolescence and to be expected. But I would be a failure as a parent if I didn’t try to give my child some moral and ethical values as a foundation on which to build their opinions.
My moral and ethical values? They are mine. And yours are yours. They are beautiful and unique and perfect for your family. They fit you and mine fit me but ours aren’t the same and I can’t expect my values to fit your family, nor can I expect your values to fit mine.
Jill and I have a long history of respectfully agreeing to disagree. I am pretty sure we disagree on this topic as well as others we’ve bumped heads against in the past. But we treat each other with kindness. We don’t make assumptions about the other person. We are polite. We don’t accuse. I can’t imagine a better setting for people from two different viewpoints to come together. Because learning takes place where love gives it a voice. You may not like what I have to say. You may think I’m wrong. But, I’ll say this again:
I’m a parent. I’m doing the best I can to raise my child with the belief system I have in place. I am using the tools I have to make the best judgments I know.
Are any of us really doing any differently?
And well here is what poured out of me .......
Hey guys … this post was THE most well thought out piece on this I have ever seen. I would love to say this will be short ….. but I will try not to write a book. I was a single mom raising two kids the best I knew how,around Heathers (My oldest) 15th birthday she had only claimed one boyfriend and started claiming girlfriends and well I comforted myself with "Its a phase" Heather officially came out at the age of 18 and please let me assure you that I didn't take it well at all. I packed her up and sent her to live with the biggest homophobic in the know world ‘her father’.Now keep in mind that right before all this I considered myself a very "with it" kinda gal. I had all the respect for people and their choices …. still I cried … I freaked, I blamed. I constantly searched what had I done wrong. Several times I figured that I was the bad role model being a giant tomboy myself. Another thought was that I worked to much I wasn't there when she needed me…the divorce, but when I didn't have another tear to shed I realized why I was so upset. It wasn't Heather .. it was the most selfish that I have ever been in my life. I wasn't going to get to help Heather with prom night help pick her dress and a nervous young man at the door. I wasn't going to be able to get teary eye’ed while she stood in front of me in a long white gown …. She was never going to need me to help her with her first pregnancy …. no gran children …no talks about what marriage was about ….. I think I was mad because it felt as though she has denied me my rights … the rights that most mothers take for granted … I would never experience. All the dreams that you as a mother just assumed where going to happen were gone. Now here we are 6 years down the road. I realized that my love for my child was bigger than anything else. Nope there wasn't a prom,(She didn't want to be the drama that tainted the other kids prom) No wedding,(She doesn't believe in the institution) no gran kids(doesn't want kids) …. but she is happy and in my life and being without her was much worse than anything else… I am southern baptist ( Insert rolled eyes here) and I have always had my faith. I always will …. but for the mothers that haven't had to walk my path …. don't assume that you will be the coolest parent in the world, because until you gear up and walk down that rocky road you just don't know…but I love my daughter with all my heart and I did the best I could raising her. I have come to this conclusion. You raise your kids with the best that you have been taught and the best that you have learned and you pray the rest of the way …its all you can do. Goodbye and Gods love Jill Hilliard

Catch me up blogget

Hey friends and foes ... I know I have to get back on the blogging horse ... but it has been a crazy world around here. We ended up going on vacation the last of September to the mountains it was way too amazing for words so ....

My son Taylor

My daughter Heather

with my husband Robert,