Every since I can remember I have fought this thing inside of me. I always thought of it as a bear. Sometimes this bear is sweet and loving.I am always aware of his presence but when he is in this loving quite mood this is when I am the happiest.These are the times that I can live a semi normal life. Then there are days the bear demands a little of my short attention span. He needs to be petting this is where it feels like he is leaning on me. He doesnt demand all my attention but he does demand some. These days I feel pressure but I can juggle the bear and the world with a little effort on my part. Then there are days while I am working or talking to people he is smacking me in the face constantly. Roaring in my ear to the point I almost cant hear anything or fully fuction. There have been times the bear demand that I go be alone so that he can have all my attention. I have actually lost a good job due to this last phase. This is how my anxiety feels. When I was young I could endure it. My mother and father thought it was cute that I danced beside the dinner table while I ate. When I was a kid we were just labeled "High Energy Children" Hell I didnt even know what it was back then. I thought every kid was this way, but as I grew I realized that I was very different. My main problem was I talked too much ...I could not be still. I over talked other kids which made them mad and so this threw me out of main stream kids and into the rejected sector ..... but still as a kids you endure... you cry it out and move on. School work was a nightmare for me.Most of the time I could read a page in my school book and look up and couldnt tell you one word of what I read. I could really study the night before but sometimes the noise in my head would be so loud that I couldnt remember anything I studied so that also slated where my future was headed. So my self esteem was taking a nosedive and this links into all the bad relationships I have suffered. At first people think I am super neat...loud and fast paced ... always up for the next thing .... love doing things that where a dare or dangerous ..... but then the extreme of me would wear down for them .... I was never that friend that would call you to see how you were doing ...you always had to call me because for the most I would be so busy in my own head I couldnt even entertain anybody elses world ... thats how I lost so many friends and the ones that would stay with me were as broken a human being as I was. I lost one of my oldest friends because she finally got tired of my "time outs" when I go into what I call time out I dont talk to any one I ignore calls. I have even hid while friends knocked on my door to check on me .This also entered into boyfriends and husbands ...they all thought I was this neat little wild animal some of the guys after looking back I see they took me as a challenge something that just needed to be broken ..tamed .... they thought they could "cage"the bear. My first husband tried his best to subdue this beast with only a divorce to show for it. I fought this through two kids .... I remember fighting off a panic attack at my daughters field day.... I suceeded because I so didnt want to embarrass my daughter and show her friends that her mother was mentally defective. I have always felt like it was always 0 or 100 with me ....I would be complete "on" or I taught myself how to just shut her ....so for a large part of my kids growning up I was never that involved mother because I was always in fear that the monster in me might poke its head out and cause my children problems at school. So I worked as much as I could using that excuse to keep me out of school functions ....every once in a great while I would have to go in and pretend to have it all togeather and for the most I would suceed ...it was exhasting ... it always felt as though I was holding the full weight of that bear back. Work that is the one place that the bear worked for me and not agaisnt me. I had so much energy.... so much drive everything for me was a challenge ...a race .... a compotistion. I was always compeating with people even if they were not aware of it. I would work harder .... I would work more hours than anyone else ... I would take on way more respondsiblity that I should but it always made me a valued employee. Somehow I used to always sleep well and up to about 2 years ago that was my one saving grace was I could sleep at the drop of a hat. I have gone to my doctor for help .... he has ran me through many different anti depression meds ...Zoloft ....Prozac.....Paxal .... It feels as though it doesnt subdue the bear .... but it destracts him a little but never enough to make it worth the side effects of the drugs ... I was just took off anoughter shot at Zoloft because I was breaking out in hives that were making me itch myself til I bled . I talked to my doctor about maybe this being Adult attention disorder but he dismissed it ...sometimes I think its because so many people who dont have the problem want the drug because its effect on them is like crack so all theses people end up pretending to have Adult attention disorder to get the meds and then it makes it impossible for people like me who might actually have it get treated for it ...or even checked. Now here I amin my mid 40's and I dont have the phyiscal energy to keep up witht the bear and this is making the anxiety so much worse.What a mad mad world we live in.So as for now my bear still roams free .... not that I ever wanted him caged but I would like a life where both of us could live in peace.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Sometime in the month of Feb 1985 I became pregnant with my first child. I remember it was my fiance Jimmy and my brother Kenneth were at the clinic with me ...I came outside where they were standing and told them the good news. Jimmy was so happy. I didn't want to get married at this point even though we were in the middle of planning our wedding this came about. I didn't want it to look like we had to get married so I called off the wedding ...but after a couple of months Jimmy talked me into it because he so wanted our child to have his last name...at about 4 months pregnant we got married southern style in front of a judge with his sister and her boyfriend as witnesses. The bride wore a blue sundress because it was big enough. I wore blue cameo earrings that I still have to this day. That were borrowed from his grandmother. We came home and he went fishing and I started cooking dinner. I was about 6 months pregnant ....and the pregnancy felt weird.....I had this strange feeling that something was wrong with the baby. Everyone told me that I was just worried and its was just first time pregnancy pains. I tried to put it out of my mine but that weird feeling never left me. about 10:00 on August the 18th I went to the bathroom and felt some kind of leakage happening. I told Jimmy that we needed to go to the hospital that something wasn't right. Jimmy was so excited that the baby was coming it was dawning on him that she was coming 3 months too early. They did all they could to stop the contractions but the baby was in distress and they rushed me to a hospital Vanderbilt Medical hospital in Nashville Tennessee and there Jessica Dee Hoover was born at 7:15 that morning she weighed in at 3 pounds and 2 ounces. She has blood on the brain. She had Jaundice. She had a virus called the CMV Virus. Its simple ...I caught a cold and its like a 1 in 10,000 chance that she could catch it but ...she did and it did a lot of damage to my little girl. It was hard to grip how tiny she was. Jimmy could hold her in one of his big hands. Here we were two kids ...not only having a kid but I premature one. My world spun out of control. I prayed even when doctors took me into their office and told me there was no hope for her. Here health during this time would improve and then decline ...it was a nightmare roller coaster that I couldn't get off and I had to hold my head up high and know that God had this. I stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks. They took blood ...so much blood and ran test on me. You see Jessica was one of 7 kids that had contracted this virus and they weren't understanding it fulling so they were running every test know to man on me and my little girl trying to beat a ticking time bomb which was going to be my daughters death. on the 9th day of my stay I was walking down one of the halls trying to get my strenght back and I heard a voice I cant tell you either in my head but it sound just like hearing a person talk to you... and it told me that my daughter was going to leave me and that it was o.k. That it was the way thinks where supposed to work out. I stepped back ...I thought it was my own minds voice or maybe the devil trying to make me lose my faith... but at that moment I was ashamed that I even entertain an idea like that .....but I later I figured that it had to be God preparing me for my daughters departure. One Sept.7th 1985 my daughter left this world. to perfect for the sin of this world she went back to be with her father and there she wait for me and one day I will see her again and I will hold her in my arms and she will call my name "Mommy". I still have a void in my soul where she firs perfectly. I know the Lord has a plan for this ....for it to make me stronger for it to make me love my daughter Heather and my son Taylor more than I would have without her. She is in this little box in my heart and every now and again I get it out and I remember every smile and sound she made and the way she felt in my arms and how her little heart would just race when she would her her fathers voice and how blessed I was to have her in my life if only for a brief moment it was one of the best moments of my my life and nothing in this world will ever come close to it. I held on to a real angel and it was amazing and scary and I would do it again all over again just hold her again.
Posted by Jill Hilliard at 5:22 PM
Yes ... you read that right Spouse Grooming, Its when a "friend" "Co-Worker" Set into being everything you as their Wife/Husband are not. They take time to listen to your spouse because innocently they will tell these people all their marrige problems then the Groomers will figure out what is missing or lacking in your marriage then they slowly talk to your spouse and slowly morph into that person your are failing to be. The conversation also always head innocently into a sexual nature and his is when the Groomergets to innocently tell your spouse all the great things that they can do for them sexually and from where they have sat and listening to all the lacking points of your marriage can totally get big points in this area .... but once they have brooched the subject both parties usually knows where this relationship is headed.
Sometimes its just a game people play without any intent of hooking up with them sometimes its just the high of getting attention from someone .... but sometimes these Grooming sessions end marriages.
Let me explain to you ..... My husbands ex-girfriend reconnected with both of us around our 8th year of marriage. My husband even asked if it was o.k. if she was friends with us. I being a full believer in trust, said yes. Fully convident that my husband would never cheat on me. This ran into her coming to a huge Halloween bash that I throw every year and us being invited to her kids birthday parties. I thought that things were going along just great.Not that we were besties or anything but they seemed o.k. Now here is where the red flags popped and I ignored them (Note: never ignore red flag) She ended up without a job and my husband and I worked at the same place and once again my husband asked me would I mind if he asked my boss if they had a job for her and once again.... I said "Sure" Well that is where this little nightmare begins. It stared with the fact that she was working third shift and I was working dayshift and my husand kinda hit right in between. So if my husband had to stay late enough which was a couple of nights a week they would sit at the picnic table and talk. I am sure that my husband talked to her about how our marriage had changed since the wreck. (Had a wreak about 5 years ago almost died took along recovery time) So this girl K.C was grooming herself to be the girl that I wasnt to my husband...please dont get this broken I blame both partys takes two to dance this dance. But as I would come in to work she would constainly tell me that she either talk to my husband or facebooked him or texted him and all red flags but the one that had the brightest red light was when she poked me and told me if I ever needed help with him *wink* *wink* she would be there for me. I told my husband all of this and he asked if I wanted him to quit talking to her.... but I didnt want to sound jealous I said no .... (Dumb move again) Well the year rolled on her family attended our Halloween party and Christmas came and went ... We got her a candleholder and candle and she got us bath towel and a candle ...these gifts will matter later. My husband had accumulated too many vacation days at work so for about three weeks he was going to have to take Monday and Tuesday off for the next three weeks. The first Monday I came home from work and there was my loving husband .... I asked him how was his day off ....what did you end up doing I asked ....nothing he responded , I told him
Posted by Jill Hilliard at 8:21 AM
Hi .... today's blog is going to be titled "The George Foreman Grill Mind blower" I am always looking for ways that get me the heck out of the kitchen. Just because I was born with "Lady Parts" did not make me a automatic chef. I have never had a natural desire to cook. With that said I am going to share with you something so simple ...but every time I tell someone about it ...they freak out on me .... like wow that's is awesome!! Why in the world didn't I think of that. So I thought it was time to blog it ...Pin it and face book this for the people out there that not only hate to cook but hate to clean as
well. First you need a George Foreman Grill ...
Now you are going to need some Tin Foil. I use Reynolds Wrap because it is thicker.
You pull off enough tin foil to cover the bottom and top of your grill
Place your other piece of foil on top of this and pull lid down as usual.
Posted by Jill Hilliard at 4:50 AM
Friday, June 22, 2012
When I first became a parent I didn't know what in the shit I was doing.
No one prepared me for all the gross horror that I was about to face .... the screaming for hours on end the poop that was going to end up on my hands sometime my face and even once in my hair. I will also admit that there were times I didn't even want to be around my own child. Not because I didn't love her but because when my kids where little people expected you to actually raise your own kid. We didn't hand them to grandma or sister or babysitter ... ex-husbands were not as many back then.... the world really thought that you "The Parent" should rear their own offspring.
No lets address the reason for this post.
Last week I decided to take my nephew Frederick (age 6) and my son Taylor (age 15) to go and check out the new "Kids Castle" that they had re-vamped in our neighborhood and bonus I would get to shoot some overdue photos of my boys. We tried out everything swings, slides, flying saucers and even a grasshopper ride. Then as I stood there trying to watch them play tag this little girl came up and tugged on my pants leg and in the cutest 4 year old voice and insisted that I "Watch This!!" and she jumped up and down on stair steps then she proceeded to show me that she could dance followed by how far she could jump....she asked me to watch her slide down the slide and as she was climbing the tower I searched the playground area for her mother ... the little girl was about four and Hispanic so I figured young Hispanic mother or father. I glanced over all the parents there was only one young Hispanic woman and she was sitting on a bench doing something on her phone ..... soon as I laid eyes on what I believed to be the little girls mother I heard the little girl yell at me to watch .... I yelled back that I was watching and looked back at mom she didn't even notice..... so I watched her slide down the slide laughing having a ball I switched back and forth watching this little girl and my nephew for the good bit of an hour and ever so often looking at the lady on the bench and in this stretch of 55 or so minutes she never so much as looked up once this making me start to doubt that this was the little girls mother... so I start looking at the other mothers and fathers and what struck me was that 6 of the 13 parents that were there that day were totally not watching their kids they were sitting on the benches and the picnic tables updating their face book, checking emails or texting ....and most of these parents to kids that were under 6 years old. Then I looked back to find my nephew and I saw the little girl at the Hispanic lady asking for something to drink and without taking her eyes off her phone she spoke something to the little girl and the little girl got a juice out of her mothers purse took a drink and ran back out to the swings.
I hear all these people that are grossed out at the attachment parenting which yes some of that stuff is way too far out there for me. I have to bring light to the "Unattached Parent" .... Parents that would rather be texting or on Face book ....hanging out with friends, anything but spending real one on one time with their kid(s). I have a friend that is the poster child for "Unattached Parent" She is always one the phone ...in between work and friends and her new boyfriend her daughter is lucky to get 20 hours with her a week and even when they are together she has her in front of a T.V. or her video game so that she doesn't have to actually spend time with her.... does that sound familiar? If it does its time to start reprioritizing your life and what is most important and planned or a How they hell did that happen well guess what it is your responsibility to raise these little human being .... more than providing them things, they also need your time and teachings of the "wrongs" and "rights" and to guide them through this life that is so much harder than it was 20-30 years ago ... they need you more than I needed my parents back in the early 70's. Stop for a moment ...take them to the Park or to the Zoo ..... and leave your phone in the car ....I hate to break this to you guys but back in the day we didn't have cell phones and people actually went for hours not talking or texting people constantly. I think these sweet little angels deserve your time and attention. Be present in your child's life. You chose to be a parent ...they had no choice in being your child. So thats it for this post I hope to enlighten one parent before they wake up one day and their kid is either grown and dont want anything to do with them or they are having to vist time in prison because honestly they didnt get enough hugs from mommy and daddy. Grow up and be the parent your child need, wants and deserves.
Posted by Jill Hilliard at 2:22 PM
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Hi .... today's blog is going to be titled "The George Foreman Grill Mind blower" I am always looking for ways that get me the heck out of the kitchen. Just because I was born with "Lady Parts" did not make me a automatic chef. I have never had a natural desire to cook. With that said I am going to share with you something so simple ...but every time I tell someone about it ...they freak out on me .... like wow that's is awesome!! Why in the world didn't I think of that. So I thought it was time to blog it ...Pin it and face book this for the people out there that not only hate to cook but hate to clean as well. First you need a George Foreman Grill ...
Any size .... this is one of those times that size really doesn't matter. As
you can see mine gets alot of use.
Now you are going to need some Tin Foil. I use Reynolds Wrap because it is thicker.That helps when you are getting meat off of the tin foil.
You pull off enough tin foil to cover the bottom and top of your grill
Now here is a freebie that I am going to throw out there just because of thegood human being that I am. See that black tray in the picture above .... Well place that under the food "BEFORE" you start cooking so it can go ahead and catch all the grease and juices BEFORE
they run all over the counter and make a total mess and make you say words that you have to pray about later!!!
Place your other piece of foil on top of this and pull lid down as usual.
and can be consumed
Posted by Jill Hilliard at 6:16 PM
Sunday, April 22, 2012
I know that I am going to catch alot of heck for what I am about to write ... but I dont write in this blog to please people or to get people to vist my website. I write in this blog either because I think something is funny,sad, cute ...or something has pissed me off and I feel that I need to share it with the world. I think most of the time that the world his headed to hell in a hand basket and there isnt a damn thing we can do to turn it around ... Well todays topic is ....(drum roll please) kids and what is too young to have a cell phone. I was reading on CafeMom and this mom Becky posted:
11yo talking about sex on cell phone?
Now lets stop right there.... Why in Gods name does an 11 year old child have a cell phone? I think we put that internet into these young childrens hands with the thought that everyones kids have a cell phone. I feel they would be safer if they have a cell phone .... and then the one that drives me to cuss...parents that feel they have equpped their child with a cell phone sitter and they dont have to worry about them. at 11 years old I always knew where my kids where...they were either with me or at school or with a family member. I didnt need to call my eleven year old because 90% of the time they were with me and if not I had the number of the person that I deemed worthy enough to watch my kids. We go to a rather large church and one Wednesday night my son who was 14 years old at the time was being made fun of by a 6 year old because she had a cell phone and my son did not. Really? Wow!! I believe fully that we are throwing an adult world at these kids and they are not ready for it nor God gave these kids dont want to parent anymore and they have found this really neat device that lets them do what ever they want and they feel their kids are safe ....or they hand them to them because if they dont then their kid will be ousted and no one will like themat school....let me tell you my son is now 15 and 1/2 years old and finally last month he recieved my old cell phone and he only has talk and text and believe you me it is checked on an almost daily shedule ....parnets grow a pair and be a real parent, It isnt being your kids friend ...they have friends they need a parent that shows them right and wrong and shields them from things they are not old enough for.
Posted by Jill Hilliard at 3:18 PM
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Posted by Jill Hilliard at 1:29 PM